Leadership is lonely. 

If I ever write a book, that may well be the title. Why take on such a depressing topic? In my opinion:

1. It’s true. 

2. It’s not talked about enough. 

Three guys who have talked about it are Edwin Friedman (in his book “Failure of Nerve”), and Marty Linsky and Ronald Heifetz (in their book “Leadership on the Line”). Their books have been pivotal in my own leadership journey, in part because of their brutal honesty about how lonely that journey can be:

• "The loneliness of leadership is a reality, but it is a price one must pay to lead effectively." (Linsky & Heifetz)

• “You can lose your allies, become estranged from friends, and find yourself marginalized by the very people you seek to help.” (Linsky & Heifetz)

• “The well-differentiated leader must be able to stand alone — willing to take the heat, make tough decisions, and face resistance without needing constant approval or reassurance from others.” (Friedman)

• “The capacity to be alone, to separate oneself from the emotional pressures of others, is not just a burden of leadership — it is the essence of self-differentiation and progress.” (Friedman)

So I guess you could say we’ve been “warned.” But no book can fully prepare you for what it actually feels like to take responsibility over the health of a family, organization, or business.

I experienced it for the first time when I was 30 years old. My good friend stepped aside from the top leadership role in an organization we founded together, creating the need for me to step into that role. As I did so, I expected it to feel somewhat different; but I was shocked at just how different it felt. 

Even though I helped start the organization and served on the leadership team from the beginning, the experiential shift between the #2 seat and the #1 seat was staggering. And the primary feature of that difference was loneliness. 

During that season, God was faithful to provide me with some invaluable friends and mentors who made me feel less alone. I will forever be thankful for those people. And in ways I couldn’t appreciate at the time, their witness was inspiring the eventual birth of Untapt and the work we do to support leaders every day.

But I’ve also learned no amount of encouragement or support can fully take away the loneliness leaders experience. As Linsky, Heifitz, and Friedman remind us, it’s an unavoidable part of the job.

So in closing, I’ve got two things to share:

1. If you’re currently leading others, thank you. Your willingness to endure a certain measure of loneliness is allowing the people under your care to thrive in ways they may never fully appreciate. 

2. If you’re currently being led by someone, thank them. They’re likely much lonelier than they let on, and they’re enduring it for the sake of your growth.

A Gift for My Fellow Travelers

Those two books I mentioned – ”Leadership on the Line” and “Failure of Nerve” – are my two favorite leadership books. As a Christmas gift, I’ll buy the first five responders a copy of one or the other. Just let me know which book you’d like, what format you’d like it in (Kinde, Audible, or hard copy), and, if you want a hard copy, what address I should send it to. Thank you and Merry Christmas!