Well, spoiler alert, they don't. At least not to the degree we imagine they do. 

Psychologists call this bias the “spotlight effect,” a term coined in 2000 based on a groundbreaking research study. In the experiment, college students were asked to wear an embarrassing shirt  – a Barry Manilow t-shirt no less! – and then estimate how many of their classmates noticed the ugly outfit. Participants guessed that 50% of their class would notice, when in reality, only 25% did. The bottom line: we drastically overestimate the degree to which others are paying attention to us. 

I remember first reading about this phenomenon from Sahil Bloom and being somewhat skeptical. But as I’ve lived with awareness of it, I now see it all the time in my life. Examples include:

1. Viewing a group photo I’m in and only being concerned with how I look.

2. Driving to the golf course for a group outing and being obsessed with how I’m going to play, while not giving a second’s thought as to how anyone else is going to perform. 

3. Taking great pains to decide what I’m going to wear to a big work function, only to arrive and not pay attention to anyone else’s attire. 

The truth is, I think we are all more egocentric than we’d like to admit – or are even aware of. To quote the author of the research study, “Each of us is the center of our own universe.” The question is, what do we do with this truth?

I can’t answer for you. But I can tell you that growing in awareness of this principle has released a lot of freedom in my life. 

The shadow side of my personality is that I can obsess about how others are appraising my performance. And historically, that has caused me to shy away from certain “spotlights” that may not end in my praise. I couldn’t handle the risk of others viewing me as a failure.

So to learn that others aren’t thinking much about me one way or another? That was great news! It meant I could take more risks and not worry about the imaginary critiques of imaginary people. 

Interestingly, this reality has also made me a more curious person. Sahil has a great little mantra: “Be Interested, Not Interesting.” There’s something about knowing that other people aren’t that focused on you that makes you more inclined to focus on them. I don’t know that I can explain the connection there – perhaps it’s a redirection of mental energy that was once only focused on myself, or maybe it’s simply knowing that generally speaking the bar is set so low – but I’ve experienced it time and again. 

In closing, here’s a few questions for you to ponder as it relates to the spotlight effect:

1. Is there a specific person or group of people whose approval you crave?

2. The spotlight effect would suggest that person or group is thinking of you less than you imagine. Do you believe this is likely?

3. If you could be completely freed from the constraints of others' feedback, what’s something you would try?

A thought from a fellow traveler

My last newsletter was on the primacy of relationships in our lives and I concluded by asking if you have a phrase that helps you remember this priority. Here’s a few that I found especially thought-provoking:

• "Love people and use things and not the other way around."

• “Love is inefficient.”

Also, in response to my question about what relationship needs attention right now, one reader said, “My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife.” I not only appreciated said person’s honesty, but the intensity of that honesty. I’ve arrived at a similar diagnosis many times myself and haven’t always responded as swiftly as I’m sure this reader will. 

Carry on fellow travelers, we’ll talk soon.