Our team recently gathered to discuss David Brooks’ latest book, “How to Know a Person.”

The book explores the nuances of human relationships and provides insights into how we can truly get to know people, not just at a surface level, but by understanding their thoughts, feelings, and inner lives. 

It’s right up our alley as a team and we had a fantastic discussion. But it produced an uncomfortable insight, at least for me.

One team member brought up a person in her life who grades out really high on the skills Brooks talks about in the book—being a good listener, asking good questions, practicing hospitality, etc. And yet, she doesn’t feel very connected to this person.

As we probed why that might be the case, what we unearthed is that—at least from the perspective of my team member—this person is more concerned with being viewed as someone who is really good with people than she is concerned with actually forging deep connections with people. 

On the surface, that may not seem like a big difference. After all, the actions involved in getting to those two places are quite similar. But the motivations are quite different…and often noticeable to the person on the other end (in this case, my friend). 

It led to a thought-provoking conversation about the role of one’s heart in the process of building relationships, and the diagnostic question we were ultimately left with was:

“Who is it for?”

When you’re doing an act of service for someone, who is it for?

When you’re extending hospitality to someone, who is it for?

When you’re encouraging someone, who is it for?

Now, in all those cases, I don't think it’s wrong to feel a measure of satisfaction in doing something kind for someone. But if those seemingly altruistic acts are primarily being done to fulfill some unmet need within ourselves, we’ve sort of ruined the whole thing.

I referred to this as an “unsettling” insight because I can fall into this trap myself. I’ve learned many of the skills Brooks talks about in the book, thanks in large part to my experience in fields where relationships matter greatly (teaching, pastoral ministry, consulting, etc.). But if I’m not careful, I can leverage those skills in a manner that is performative instead of others-centered. And that can be downright ugly.

In closing, I’d love to hear from you:

1. How would you rate your skills at “knowing a person?”

2. Where might your motives need a check on this front?

Thoughts from fellow travelers

I’m grateful for each and every response I get and never take them for granted. I recently got one from a leader I look up to greatly from my hometown that was especially encouraging. You know who you are, thank you!

Another reader resonated with the “What a ride!” reframe, but also affirmed the importance of “calling hard things hard and not pretending like everything's okay when it's not.” I totally agree. If “What a ride!” becomes a Pollyannaish call to ignore reality, then we’ve missed the mark. 

Season 2 is coming!

Production has begun on Season 2 of the Life Well Led podcast. I’ve got a co-host this time around, and we’ve got some really exciting guests lined up. More details to come next week, when I’ll introduce you to my co-pilot and preview the second season.

Carry on fellow travelers, we’ll talk soon!